How many food trend prediction lists have you read already, on this, the third day of the new year? Five? Ten? Fifty? Have you seen this one? Or this one? Or THIS one? That's just the tip of the iceberg, sister.
You only need One True Food Predictions List for 2011, and it appears below. Make sure you're sitting down, cause this is going to blow your mind.
1. Bananas will be yellow.
2. People will eat cupcakes. People will eat bacon. People will eat pie. People will drink coffee. People will breathe air, drink water, and get pregnant, though not necessarily in that order.
3. Certain Americans will be too fat. Other Americans will be too skinny. Most, however, will be frustratingly nondescript, which will do nothing to boost the economy or spur reality show ratings. Damn you, Medium, Average People.
4. Children’s menus will still offer chicken nuggets, but they will now be coated with 100% whole grain particle matter.
5. Kombucha will remain wildly popular, though only 6 people know what it really is.
6. A well-known pizza chain will invent a new way to put even more cheese on its pizza: by injecting cheese into the cheese.
7. Another chain will debut a donut whose hole is stuffed with a fully loaded baked potato.
8. New energy drinks will combine coffee, tea, Coke, ginseng, chocolate, and meth. College kids will drink it, then it will be banned, then there will be a 6-hour Special Edition: Dateline NBC with sources profiled only in shadow. Then a very special Intervention. Then a very, very special Celebrity Rehab.
9. Parents will seek ever more innovative ways to feed their kids spinach without discussing, touching, planting, harvesting, thinking about, chewing, or swallowing any actual leaves.
10. Trend stories like this one will dominate newspapers, magazines, and websites for another week, and then we’ll move onto Valentine’s Day. Which chocolate best suits your sweetie's personality? Take our quiz to find out!
Welcome to the new year.