Dear Ms. X.,
Thank you for inviting me to blog about your new website/product/enterprise, which I hadn't heard of before. No one else, I'm afraid, has ever heard of it either.
While your offer to have me blog on your site in exchange for entering me in a random drawing to win a cookware set is indeed tempting, your approach is flawed on several counts. I hereby offer you these 5 *free* tips for seducing bloggers like myself:
1. I personally like to get paid for my work in paper currency. Here in the U.S. we use dollars, but in other parts of the world you'll find different currencies (e.g. euros, yen, pesos). (In Macau, the currency is Pataca!) This currency is special for several reasons: it allows me to buy food, which I can then eat; it allows me to pay my mortgage, so I can have shelter; it allows me to buy clothing, so I am not naked; and it allows me to pay my monthly internet bill, so I can make fun of you on my blog. Being entered in a random drawing for cookware I don't want, in exchange for my work, carries none of these special benefits.
2. People shouldn't have to work for the opportunity to not win a prize, which is what most people will walk away with. If you want to make people work, invite entries in the comments section, and make sure your contest is fun. Ask a silly question, tell people to make a crazy hat, urge them to craft a witty verse in iambic pentameter... I don't care. Just don't ask professional writers to blog about your product, in the main part of your site, for free, as a prerequisite for contest entry. That's not fun, and we're a fun-loving bunch!
3. If your website is about Asian cuisine, make sure the subject line doesn't say "Asain." Call me crazy.
4. Also, when you're looking for bloggers to review things, there's no possessive apostrophe needed. So, for example, when you write: "We are looking for blogger's to review and post...," you may want to try, "We are looking for bloggers to review and post..." See? No apostrophe! Why? Because the bloggers don't own anything! They don't even own the cookware you're giving away, since most of them will lose your contest!
5. Finally, and with all due respect, thank you for inviting me to call you to discuss this idea further, but are you out of your %$#^&* mind? I can think of many, many things I don't have time for right now, and calling you -- honestly -- is firmly at the top of that list. So congratulations on that :) It's a long list, and it's quite an achievement that you clinched the number one spot.
Have a beautiful day.
